I wipe the mirror in the half bath.

Spray and clean the sink.

A little bending to clean the toilet.

I’m done.

Body shakes.

I’m huffing like a cigarette smoker, though I’ve never smoked a day in my life.

My entire body in pain. If the pain was visible, I can imagine you’d see flames of fire coming out from every inch of me.

So I sit.

Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I throw a fit.

But today, I’m stronger than my emotions.

Today, I sit.

I rest.

I catch my breathe.

I wonder how I’ll work out today or the many other things that must get done.

I already cleaned the bathroom.

My energy bank is zero.

I want to say to myself, “how sad is that.”

But today, I sit.

I drink some warm water.

My husband has the kids doing school in the office. So I’m gifted a few moments of quiet. To sit and recover.

Then I get back into it.

I sweep the kitchen and do the 50 dishes that are smelling from last night, my precious baby pushing on my legs because she wants mama to pick her up. I worry that my feet won’t be able to handle carrying her and cleaning at the same time - something I did often when I had my first and second child. But things are different now. I am different now.

I think about how I’m going to push myself.

I’m strong.

I’m going to push it.

I’m going to get the house sparkling and workout and do the many other things that are important today, including playing with my children and making them feel important, seen and heard.

But

When I’m done with the dishes, I’m done for the day.

Ready for bed.

But I sit.

I recover.

Mentally, I get myself out of the headspace of, “I’m done.”

I get myself out from depression.

By reminding myself that I can rest.

I sit on the couch. Not in bed.

I recover.

I pick myself up.

I exercise. I do my workout, to a capacity I can. Without judging myself.

And when the calm comes,

and there is quiet from the long day,

and the children are fed,

and are read a book and kissed on the forehead by their mommy,

I can sense that it really is a blessing to be alive.

Journeying together,

Kari